Relationships are complicated as hell. It doesn’t matter what side of the divide you fall into, male or female, Gay or Straight, relationships are hard. My friend read out a write to me and it was “Love is like fart, if you force it too much, it might be shit”. Maybe it’s what society has made us believe, or the unnecessary stress and expectations we put in relationships.
So I liked this person and she liked me back but there was this ‘thing’ holding us back. We couldn’t figure out exactly what it was but for some reason we both couldn’t commit. I think on her part it was because I did not fit into the image of a boyfriend she had in mind. So, although she really liked me, she just couldn’t let go of what she’d always thought her potential boyfriend should look like. But that was one reason; I knew that the main reason was because we both didn’t fit into the conventional dating profile. I wasn’t going to spend recklessly on someone who’s not me; you can say I’m selfish, anyhoo, I just won’t, but that was what she defined as a “Man” she wanted – someone that’ll throw money around at any opportunity. Don’t get me wrong, I was a terrific boyfriend, at least I knew that. One time, I rented out a Cinema for her and took her on a picnic because she was sad she couldn’t attend her faculty’s final year dinner. Another time, I planned a weekend getaway after our first semester exams, just so she’d relax after the stress of writing law exams but I wasn’t going to just throw money around just because, or just to impress her friends.
On my part, I believe it had to do with my self-esteem, I think. I recently realized that I’d not be graduating with my mates. I felt really sad but immediately I found out, my next action was to break up the relationship cause as much as I hate to say it, I felt like a loser. Like I was not meeting up to who a “boyfriend” should be mostly because she is my classmate and she’d be leaving me behind in school. So as much as I’d love to think I’m progressive, deep down, I felt if anyone should be left in school it should be her – the woman. You know, I’m the man; I should be ahead of her financially, age wise, academically etc. Oh, deal with your opinions on your own, I’m ranting here.
My friends say I am just being a coward but I can’t help it; it hurts me that this is happening because I really liked/like her but I just can’t shake this feeling. This feeling of not being able to measure up. Maybe it’s my low self-esteem acting up, I don’t know but one thing I know is that relationships are damn too hard.
